Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Fleetingly Ephemeral

{Let me try this writing format thingy. See if it agrees with the tone I’m attempting to express.}

I took a risk last week, something I rarely do, which is ironic because I am a Finance major. I primarily deal with risk and return practically every single day in class.

I awkwardly e-mailed a fellow classmate if he’d like to get together sometime in the near future.

Awkward. Weird. Nonetheless, the risk was taken. I had done it.

To which he warmingly responded, yes, I would love to.

For a second, I believed things would actually end well. Risk had paid off in this case. And then some analysis came into play.

Was I the first to be interested enough to take this risk with this particular classmate of mine? Was this an authentic potential connection? What could possibly be our expectations?

Then, a fleetingly ephemeral (if ephemeral can be any more fleeting) glimmer of hope. Of optimism. Relief, that after so long, my story as a college student would end on a happy note.

Fleetingly ephemeral? No kidding. Seriously.

Yesterday he says, unexpected things have come up, I’ll have to postpone our getting together. Surprise surprise. I replied, curtly I hope, though it’ll probably come off as ambiguous. Is this an indefinite postponement? Good luck on finals, I hope everything works out.

The end. I wonder if God sometimes likes to tease me: like, here you go, here’s your chance, oh wait, never mind, maybe next time. (Sorry God, I must sound blasphemous, but sometimes I do become quite upset about things like this.)

All I can do, I suppose, is accept the results, no? I wonder if he just said that because he’s scared. He is quite a different sort of fellow, I do wonder if I’m the first one who has been interested enough to pursue something with him. Well, uncertainty and fear are no reason to back away and choose to do nothing, you know. I can only hope that he was being honest with me, and that there might be a tiny tiny tiny possibility of things actually working out in the end.

And so, today, this week, rather than potentially having an amazing time with a potentially wonderful boy, I am confined to studying for my final exams. So much more fun, right? At least I decided to take this risk at the end of the semester, rather than earlier, I won’t have to bump into him any time after we graduate! I’ll see how it goes.