Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye 2010!



Can you believe it? The year is very much a few hours from ending (central time lol). Isn't that marvelously amazing?


Yes, and I have to say (and confidently and proudly do so) that this year has been one of the most memorable, difficult, and amazing years of my entire life. For various reasons...let's summarize (not in any particular order):

  1. 2010 arrived, and I realized that thanks to my dear God, I was able to welcome the year. While in Mexico for the New Year's church service, the priest delivered a message from God directly to me. That He had chosen to give me another chance after the accident so that I may continue working on fulfilling my purpose. (While I may not know what my purpose is exactly, I know what it is not!)
  2. I got to meet a lot of interesting people, both at work and at school. I love people. I love company.
  3. My sisters and I had the opportunity to bond with our youngest uncle, and if it hadn't been for his long visit, we wouldn't be as close and comfortable with each other as we are today.
  4. I graduated from university, with a degree in Finance and Economics.
  5. I met the love of my life, and even though it was an ephemeral relation, it was amazing. I don't think I'll ever forget that "Prince Phillip" lookalike from Colorado.
  6. We purchased Panchis, Poni's replacement.
  7. I changed jobs.
  8. I had the pleasure of hanging out with my love several times.
  9. The Poni case and my chiropractor appointments finally ended.
And here we are. While I'm not in Mexico to welcome 2011, something inside me (intuition? hope?) assures me that this is going to be another wonderful year. I've no idea what's coming, but I'm ready to take on whatever comes our way.


I do have a few resolutions though for 2011, ranging from learning how to dance (finally!) to strengthening my faith and love. How do you like dem apples?


Happy New Year's, everyone! Enjoy all that comes your way!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Home for Christmas

I usually spend Christmas in Mexico with my mother and sister, but today I'm home. In Texas. For Christmas. Feels strange. I don't remember what we're supposed to do here. And I haven't made up my mind on whether Christmas is better here in good ole Texas or back in the "motherland."

You know, I don't even know where to begin with this. A few things have come up at the same time -- perfect timing, stupid things! -- and that weird, unwelcome, knotty feeling in my throat and heart have decided to pay me a visit for the holidays.

It's a jumble of things, a father who considers his daughters nothing more than financial burdens, a miserable focus on consumerism and materialism during the holidays, that phase of blind vulnerability when one is in love with another (but that other probably doesn't even deserve one's love to begin with and might not even be able to grasp the strength of this love in its entirety), and among other things, a realization that others look at love like they do a job search: that while one may be in a relationship, it's totally okay and acceptable to search elsewhere for better or more convenient "options."

I laugh at myself. Remember years past, when in Mexico, languishing and torturing myself, wondering what I could have been doing had I stayed home for Christmas. That "the grass is much greener" phrase pops into my head right now, things aren't better here than there. I miss tradition. I miss the focus on the real meaning. 

Remembering the things I've gone through, the things I've survived, the terrible things I've done with terrible people. Confiding with others what I feel. Departing from life as I know it for a teeny moment each year.

But you know, it's okay! I needed to get this out in the open, but I REFUSE to let these things bog me down. I've lived worse things, and there will be a solution for the current situation. For now, I thank God my family is all together-together, that I still love and will not cease to love, that there is still so much more for me to go through.

Now, now! Let us be happy! Let's share a laugh, from my favorite version of "Sleigh Ride" (a sort of mini-tradition, now that I think about it...):



Happy Christmas, everyone!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Things I Remembered Today

Today was one of those days in which I remembered a few things (as the title may have hinted) from my far and recent past. Let me just write about them, not in any particular order.
Potatoes...mmm.
After lunch at school one day. My then-sweetheart and I walking toward the cafeteria exit, and he throws his tray into the trashcan. The tray falls on another tray that had a poor, lonely French fry limpingly lying on its edge. The weirdest part, that this tray with the fry on it was slanted at such an angle, that when the falling tray fell on it, the result was a French fry catapult. The poor surprised fry flew quite a distance --- from one side of the trashcan to the other. We were the only two people who saw this happen. I still remember the poor flying fry. 
These don't look so good when they're in throw up form.
I had eaten a lot of grapes earlier on this particular day. My mom and aunts decided it would be an awesome idea to go to Grapevine. I had the super-genius idea of reading Wayside School Is Falling Down during the car ride. A few minutes away from our destination, the grapes blended with my reading and surprise surprise: I threw up grapes in and out of the car.
Utter cuteness!!!!
We were talking about bees that day. You see, I try to look at my relationship with bees as symbiotic. Or is it mutual? Anyway, I don't hate bees. I don't love them either. They're okay, to say the least, like if they were people walking near me, I wouldn't mind them. Anyway, I said that day, "Just look at them! They're so cute and fuzzy and fat!" as a chunky bumblebee hovered around us and the flowers. (He had said he was afraid of bees, you see, and I was trying to defend them.) "Oh but these don't sting!" Oh wait, those are honeybees. Oops. We then proceeded to walk away from the cutesy-chunky-wunky bumblebee.
Yes, I have a real picture of hay bale cylinder thingies, but I don't wanna get my camera out.
I got off work late and was driving home past eleven. This was one of many nights that year, one of the toughest I've lived so far. Listening to Coldplay. Driving on Memorial, the then-really-really-remote, unknown portion of it, the part that's behind the Legends and before the waterpark. Anyway, there's only one lane for each direction and I'm driving, right?, and then I see these two giant circles in the middle of both lanes. Couldn't decipher them. Started slowing down as I got closer. Two giant HAY BALE CYLINDER THINGIES. Either the wind conveniently placed these two hay bale cylinder thingies on the road or some ruffian did, but I had to get home. So little Poni and I had to do a 180 degree turn on that tight road and go home the long way. It was quite an experience. One of the many I had with Poni.


Every now and then I think my life is boring, but days like today remind me that these little random events have made it worth living. I know that's kind of a gushy ending to this little Tidbit, but hey, maybe I'm a gushy kind of girl. (Who, by the way, has realized that the heart is always right. The head is merely there to support the heart.)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My Car Needs a Bath

I apologize for the delay in writing, I've been beating myself up about it -- having like three posts that I was supposed to publish these last couple of weeks -- but here we go. On a whim, I'll talk a little bit about my car's condition. Yes, definitely about my car today.

Let me keep it short. I've realized that I haven't washed my poor car since May. That sounds gross, but it's unfortunately true. I really should get on to that. Some tiny obscure part of my mind tells me I haven't washed it due to "attachment" reasons, but I'm trying to ignore that tiny thought. I promise I'll wash it by the end of this week! And then I'll show off Panchis' perfect cleanliness. Practically godliness (I just had to allude to that trite phrase. A million sorries!)

[Question: is the plural of "sorry" sorries?]

Anyway, maybe I'll follow this video tutorial on "How to Wash Your Car." Enjoy, maybe you should wash your car too!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Home Again, Home Again

Last week I drove down to Mexico with my mother and uncle. The mission: to collect my adorable grandmother at the border and bring her home (to good ole Dallas, TX) for Thanksgiving and whatnot.

Anyway, rather than to bore y'all with wordy details about driving endless hours to and fro, I present my trip in pictures. Enjoy!


Start of trip: 7 pm
 From 8 pm to 2 am: neverending highway with 1 stop for gas and then one stop for a tiny bit of sleep.
Utter darkness for like fifty years.
Sleeping for three measly hours.
 Then crossing the border at the nice hour of 6 in the morning.
That's totally what it looks like.
 Then, success: Grandmother acquired and taken.
Yay everyone!
Those were super fun border adventures (in which, we were criminals! :D).

My poor drawing skills no longer have to torture y'all: I took pictures on the way back home. I lost track of time in between, but it lasted like 500 years.
The beginning of the end.

Pretty skies with sheepy clouds!!

COTULLA!!

They're working on building a red building.

Uhm, San Antonio.

If there's a McDonald's, you know you've reached civilization.


Yay pollution!

We must be in Austin, so much traffic.

Traffic fun times.


More highway.


Cheese. My goodness.


Floating truck.

A li'l competition never hurt nobody.

American Indian head.



Somewhere along the way, we passed Waco. I was too excited looking for the CATERPILLAR, that I didn't care to take pictures of Waco. Sorry Waco, but you're not very interesting. (This is what Waco basically looks like.)
Cows, of course.
One hay rolly thing.
"Lotsa" hay rolly things.
CATERPILLAR!!!
Dome-y buildings!
Hi, CATERPILLAR!!
Yay Waxahachie :D


Good ole Dallas.

The end! :D

Friday, November 5, 2010

Remember, Remember...

"Remember, remember, the Fifth of November..."

Many people don't care about the significance of this date. Others think it's some part of the film "V for Vendetta." Others remember Guy Fawkes. I remember Poni. Poni and my lack of invincibility. My smallness and God's greatness. His immensity. His everything.

A year ago today, my Philosophy professor let my class out early -- only twenty minutes before our usual time. It was a lovely, pristine, November 5th, a Thursday. I was relieved to be out of that class early: I had to stop by a Pier 1 Imports to make a credit payment.

Drove down my favorite beautiful street, Hillcrest. Getting past the bottleneck-prone section right beside SMU. Driving on the left lane. Passing a rather large pickup truck with a trailer attached on its back, which was making a right turn on Hanover. I caught a glimpse of the thoughtless woman driving her unnecessarily large Lexus SUV. She had a stop. Common sense told me she would stop. She didn't.

R.I.P. Poni
I used to have an unimportant, unnoticed, piece of a car. Poni.
He had spunk. We knew each other well. I know it sounds weird, I mean, cars don't feel, they don't breathe, they are non-living things. Cars have no soul, but I could swear to you, Poni was something else. Knew when to slow down and when to speed up. Flashing cobalt blue right before your eyes. He was very basic, no cool gadgets or technological pizzazz. Had to roll down my windows. Manually open and lock the doors. Remember to turn the lights on and off.

The stupid (yes, she truly was stupid) woman killed my Poni. Hit me on the right. Airbag came out. If she had been going any faster, I don't think my doors would have opened. I could already see the crumpling effect on dear Poni. Engine began to smoke. Traffic began to accumulate. Called 911. It was only 4:55 pm.

A beautiful, clear, pristine day.

All alone. Instinct told me to set aside any tears and not think of how close I was to death. I waited. Mother, who had been seriously ill, drove all the way to the accident scene to take me home. To protect me. I had an interview the coming Monday. With Citi. Thanks, stupid woman, you did sort of interfere at the wrong time.

We waited until the tow truck carried Poni away. Left a mark at Hanover and Hillcrest. The mark is still there by the way, a memory of Poni, resistant to rain and snow and wind.

This wasn't my first accident. But it was my first, alone. Just the day before, I had gone to pick up my then four-year-old cousin from his house to babysit him at mine. In Poni. He had been Poni's last passenger. What humbled me then was thinking, "What if I had been in accident on that day? What would have happened to not only me, but my little cousin as well??" It's a terrifying feeling. I was close to death. God chose to sacrifice my poor car in order to save me.

He could have easily chosen to take my life that Fifth of November. He didn't.
Why?
I must have a purpose. What is my purpose?
To realize what is important?
To realize where my heart lies.
To cherish every single day of my life.
To enjoy being with the ones I love.
To miss the ones I can't be with, not wistfully, but lovingly.
To understand how powerful and strong God's love for me is.
To realize that though I'm one human being, I am important enough to God to still breathe today.
To love.

And so, while I "remember, remember, the Fifth of November," I thank God for allowing me to experience everything that comes my way. The love I feel is beyond words. The renewed faith I now hold is endlessly profound. God, I love You.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day off

A day off. A moment of forgetfulness.
Work is merely a distant dream.
A memory.
Morning sun awake before me.
Open eyes. carefree.

Warm, dark, perfect cup of
coffee.
Sitting, quiet, remember love,
for one fleeting moment.
A day off from work allows
remembering.

Take my time
Get ready.
Examine my face, the
minute changes at once noticeable and
Not.

Enjoying a tiny glimpse into a life of
Freedom.
No worries. No burdens.
Just being.
Love.

At least until tomorrow

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Speedy

It's been a while, primarily because the vacation ended and I had to go back to work, but no worries, I'm still on the "happy train" right now, so today I continue the "Favorite Things" theme, shining light on my favorite movie (or film, if you wanna call it that) of all time: Speedy.

You've probably never heard of it. And it's not your fault, Speedy is a very early movie, a silent film from 1928. My favorite actor (or comedian?), and one of my historical crushes, Harold Lloyd stars in it.

A Tidbit of History

Speedy was Harold Lloyd's last silent movie (and in my opinion, his best), set in New York City. Lloyd, known as Speedy (both in real life and in the film) is a young man who always has his heart in the right place, but for the life of him can't quite hold down a steady job. He's always either a tad clumsy or daydreaming, or he's distracted by the New York Yankees' games and stuff like that. He lives with his girlfriend (Jane) and his girlfriend's grandfather (Pop Dillon), who has an old-fashioned (ha!) horse-and-buggy trolley thingy. Anyway, I'm trying not give away too many of the movie's details, but the main story is that some "big shot" businessman tries to make Pop Dillon give up his buggy rights so that he may begin developing new roads or whatever on Pop's buggy route. It's up to Speedy to save Pop's buggy rights and provide financial stability (simultaneously of course).

My Thoughts on Speedy

Personally, I feel Speedy has an air of innocence and good intentions. It's kind of funny that this film came out in the late 1920s, a little before the Great Depression, and it's remarkable how it's "dated" and fits in historical context. Coney Island shows up (which, by the way, I hope to visit one day, and which also shows up in one of my other favorite films, "Annie Hall"), and so does Babe Ruth (cameo appearance!) and (can you believe it!?) the Prohibition!!! History at its best, the film does a splendid job of being so natural in this regard. (Might I also be a historian at heart? ...)

One of my favorite scenes.

On a last note, Speedy hits a soft and dear spot of my heart for one more particular reason. You see, the first time I saw this film, we (my sister and I) were home alone. The air was heavy with summer heat, family-political tension, and an immeasurable foreboding of the terrible things that would occur later that summer of 2005. While my father supposedly worked all day long, my dear, resilient mother had secretly taken on another job, working almost every evening. It was my duty as the oldest daughter at home to keep things together. My younger sister and I would eat dinner, then we'd clean up (whatever had to be done) and wait for Mother to get home.

All summer. Speedy came as some sort of ameliorating escape from the brewing troubles. A sort of nostalgia, a sort of assurance that things always get better, and a sort of encouragement to persevere and enjoy all that comes our way.

Truly, if you get a chance sometime in your life, watch Speedy. While it has a deeper meaning for me (obviously), it is a lighthearted comedy as well, and very worthy of a viewing (or 500 or so!). Below is my favorite part of the entire film, Speedy's visit to Coney Island with his love, courtesy of Turner Classic Movies (I couldn't get the clip to embed on teenytinytidbits, but this link does provide a very high-quality version!!) Enjoy:

http://www.tcm.com/mediaroom/index.jsp?cid=219159

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Just for Fun!

I just thought this was cute, courtesy of "The Oatmeal." Enjoy and try it! How long would you survive, hmm???


How long could you survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor?
Created by Oatmeal

Social Scientist?

Going along with my "Favorite Things" theme, I thought I'd start off with a light and cheery peek into one of my hobbies, our society.

Yeah...

Society is truly a fascinating subject, there are just so many layers and levels of depth to analyze, and even more thrilling and exhilirating is the fact that you and I are both components of this subject. Isn't that amazing?? Perhaps it's my good old SMU education, or maybe it was all chance or coincidence, but the courses I took exposed me to several diffirent aspects of society. My favorite course, for example, was on the History of Sex in America, from the beginning (colonial times) through the 20th (and beginning of the 21st) century. It was baffling, to say the least, actually slightly overwhelming, that we as human beings, components of our society, create and construct categories and characterize (and sometimes blindly enforce) sexuality. While social and sexual revolutions do take place over time, I find (and this is the part that truly fascinates me the most) that even though some social constructions deteriorate, new ones are born and so the cycle is renewed.

After that course, I had the lovely opportunity of taking two more interesting courses, "Dumb White Guy Politics in America" and "Troubled Youth." Perfect complements to my fascination with society. While these courses didn't focus on the social constructions of sexuality (they did brush on occasion with this sub-subject), they did allow for a more well-rounded overview into our society. While at times it seems that sexuality and gender roles play a major part in our society's behaviors, it turns out that social constructions exist everywhere. It's all breathtakingly amazing. I love society. I love human beings. I love social constructions.

Sometimes I wonder if I majored in the wrong thing, but then I realize: I am a social scientist. I'm an economist, and I will find a way to amalgamate my interest in social constructions with my passion with Economics. I've got a feeling that a major study is going to break through both fields of Economics and Sociology, perhaps behavioral Economics?? :)

Till then, enjoy the following clip. (A special thanks to my "Troubled Youth" professor!)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Approval, Necks, and Favorite Things

Good evening, all.


I think I've reached a new level of understanding and approval with my mother, with regards to the love of my life. Here's the story, and I'll try to be sweet and concise: 

So here we were talking about my friend, the love of my life, and it wasn't some serious conversation or anything, but I guess my mother, with all her motherly wisdom knew that I still love my friend. She austerely asked, do you like him? I said, all cool and clearly, yes. But that being his girlfriend (or stuff like that) isn't my priority. I'm okay either way, with or without title or whatever. She asked then, does he plan on staying in (let's call it) City X, and I said, I've no idea. And then, I kid you not, it was like that moment in "The Little Mermaid" when King Triton is about to turn Ariel into a human so she can be with Prince Eric, and my dear mother started saying, I think you're going to leave us behind, in a sort of wistful but accepting tone. I in turn said, no! I wouldn't want to live in City X permanently, maybe Boston, but not City X haha! After this weird and peaceful moment of understanding, I continued and finished the story that had to do with my friend, and my mother reacted more positively.

Could it be? Has she finally let go of the bad impression she had of my friend?! :) Now I can love without guilt!

Necks.
So, because of Fall's nostalgic atmosphere, every now and then I remember my friend's aroma. I can't explain it, and I feel like a total "goofy" "doofus" (yes, I actually used those words!) because what I remember most is, well, his neck. Not like I ever touched it or anything. But yes, the neck. It's there. I want to see it in person soon. I sure miss terrible times with terrible people. And their necks. (Or in this case, his neck.)


Lastly, for this evening, my mother's implicit approval has lightened things up for me: I feel that I can't go wrong in anything. I am simply content with life, and it doesn't matter that not everything is going the way I would like it to, I have my love and that's all I need!


That leads me to the last portion of this post's title "Favorite Things." I think I'll go ahead and write a post about one Favorite Thing for the next few times, I find that if I focus on the good things, the things that agree with me, the things that cancel the bad things (I'm very well aware I've used "things" too liberally tonight), I generally get along in a better mood and attitude. You should give it a try.


Brief example: Instead of saying, "I hate it when stupid drivers merge in front of me and drive slowly," I now say, "I love it when everyone drives appropriately," or "I love it when I find a way to get home in a good amount of time."


So come on, enjoy the beautiful Fall weather, enjoy your love, enjoy your life!!! :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Cats

(Yes, cats. Not the literal and natural version, but the musical, legging/spandex-wearing, dancing and singing version.) So I saw the musical "Cats" last night while studying for the GRE, and...wow. It's hilarious. I had always wondered what all the excitement about it was, and now my curiosity has been quenched.


That's my favorite scene. Rum Tum Tugger...such a suggestive kitty.

Uhm, I can't top that video, so I guess I'll write more soon!! I took more pictures outside with my little cousins, so I'll play around with the images a bit and see if anything good comes out of them. Till then, enjoy the cats.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fall

So it's the end of the week and the start of a new month, October. Several things have happened in the last few weeks:
  • I finally purchased a digital camera. It's a Nikon L110, and I don't know if it's the best or the worst, but it works! (And it's my very first camera!)
  • I'm still working at the bank, though I've realized that I don't really like it there.
  • I paid for and am currently studying for the GRE. It will take place on October 16th. ***Super fun times!***
  • The weather has been simply amazingly gorgeous. Beautiful, pristine Fall is here. Along with nostalgia.

Actually, with regards to the last bullet point, I realized why I love Fall so much, and why such passionate bouts of nostalgia overcome me more frequently throughout this peaceful season. it was during Fall, you see, that I first fell in love.

And it wasn't the same kind of love I felt when I had my first legitimate long-term boyfriend; no, this love had a sense of purity, a sense of platonic innocence. Taking in the beautiful, clear blue sky and letting out a deep wistful sigh. Taking in the crisp, cool Fall air and feeling like you were with your love right then and there.

As I write about this love, I become overwhelmed by the everlasting intensity that has survived these years. This love is immortal. It seems to transcend all earthly measures. It is real and true. And it doesn't matter if anything comes from it (i.e. reciprocity); I am perfectly pleased by its mere existence. I love this feeling. A natural high.

Well, well! I really mustn't dwell on this realization, there are so many things to do! I need to find a better job, I need to find out what I truly want to do with myself, I need to carry on with my quest to find my place in this world!!

In other news, as you may or may not be aware of, I am a new fan of Mr. Bret Easton Ellis, and I recently purchased "American Psycho." I haven't seen the film adaptation (with Christian Bale) in its entirety, but I hear the book is a lot more graphic than the movie...I guess I'll find out soon; it makes for some good Halloween reading at least hahaha.

P.S. Here are some pictures taken by my new camera (heeheehee), and with a little help from iPhoto, I made them look cute and artsy:
"Old Stuffed Horse"

"Harvest Basket"

"Little Red"
"Park in the Morning"

"Potted Plant"
Enjoy!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Teeny Tiny Update

I've been wanting to post stuff for Teeny Tiny Tidbits, but my time has been consumed by work, work, work, and GRE studying. Oh, and also by the beautiful Fall weather!!!!!!!

I promise I'll post again, a much longer Teeny Tiny Tidbit, by the end of the week, most likely Friday or Saturday :)

I love my love and life and everything, really. I hope y'all have a wonderful week!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday

I like driving, alone and with others. I like acting as the navigator when we explore unknown destinations. Today, I had the lovely opportunity to be my mother's co-pilot, and we all made it to Lone Star Park, in Grand Prairie, Texas.

Wow, it's been a while since I've filled my Sunday with what happened today. We went to Grand Prairie so my younger sister could work at one of the booths at the annual "Fiestas Patrias," celebrating Hispanic heritage and whatnot. It was rather hot outside, loud music reverberating in my heart. People walking around, gathering around the various booths. We bought some exaggeratedly priced bottled water, and then decided to drive around while my sister worked.

Drove to Grapevine, Irving, then back to the festivities. Lots of men in interesting, and sometimes ridiculous, boots. Louder music, more drinking drunk attendees, more entertainment for us, enjoying the boots, the people themselves. It's been a while since I've been surrounded by this type of crowd. I think I've filled my quota for the next decade or so.

I've barely gotten home now. The smell of sweet sweat and sunscreen surrounds me. The end of my weekend. Tomorrow I go back to work. Counting down the days till the next weekend.

I wrote a poem at work, by the way. I didn't think I could, doing it as a favor to a co-worker. Thought it would be too trite, but I fear (or I may actually be glad) that it was a way for me to let out some feelings about my dear friend. Everything's alright, though!

I need to clean myself up now (can't go to bed smelling like the sun)!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Game Theory.

Having studied Economics for more than four years now, I find that I've perhaps become too much of an economist. Particularly in places where I perhaps should not be one.

I live my life through Game Theory. In every single situation I face, I inevitably consider my options and extrapolate, creating consequences for every potential action I could take. While this way of thinking is totally helpful when I'm driving through traffic and when I buy groceries, it's not so helpful with my unnecessarily complicated love adventures.

You know, it might be a great time to talk about the love of my life. Whether he deserves to be considered the love of my life, I really don't know. Things always just feel right when we're together. When we talk about anything really, being cynical about stuff. Being picky eaters together. Driving around, exploring different places here and there.

To be fair, I must warn that this is a rather long story, and a winding one at that...Let me spare you a long sad story and give you the abridged version instead:

I meet boy in high school. I have boyfriend though, so even though we had great times together and the attraction was obvious, nothing happens. He graduates. I graduate the year after. I go to college, and my boyfriend becomes my ex-boyfriend. Boy and I bump into each other at the grocery store and greet each other. Feels like old times, even though the meeting lasts a few minutes and we haven't seen each other in over a year. I let the moment pass. Later in Spring, we reconnect through (lamentably) Facebook. Our posts and messages feel so real and familiar, like time has had no effect on our conversations. Things feel perfect, but then I am away from our conversation for a while. When I come back, Boy has girlfriend. I say, it's okay, and let the moment pass. A while later, he sends me a message. I reply, with only friendly intentions, and soon the messages become longer and longer. We tell each other everything. I say, no, don't feel anything for him please. Months continue and I then realize that the feelings are real. I tell Boy. He says, sorry he can't, he has Girlfriend. Christmas passes by. New Year's, I'm in Mexico. He sends me a message then. All charismatic and stuff. I try to be friendly. Ok.

(From my perspective, it seems that he takes this as a sign that we're cool again, and that he can start sending me messages again. For me, it's a moment of game theory: should I play along and enjoy the moments, or should I be morally upright and say no?)

Things culminate and reach the climax in March. I tell him again, that feelings still exist, and that his having a girlfriend kind of complicate things. He says sorry. I ask him, why are you doing this? Do you even have feelings for me? He says he does. And I say, well then, what's holding you back? He says, his obligations. (Obligations? Really?) I say, fine, we can't do this anymore. So we stop talking. My last year of college starts. Pretty uneventful. Granted, I have mini-love adventures during the Spring semester of junior year and the start of senior year. New Year's comes around again. Again, Boy contacts me. This time I'm significantly colder, try to shut down the conversation. I believe he takes the hint. Spring semester of senior year begins. I personally and secretly struggle to get him out of my mind. Just when I feel good about things, when I've come to accept his "obligations" and whatnot, Boy appears again. Decides to tell me that his relationship ended. It's March. A few days before his birthday. I feel bad, and while I don't tell him I still love him, I act as a friend to him. Listen to his woes. I tell him to cheer up: you see, he's away from family and old friends while at graduate school, and the break up has left him vulnerable and depressed.

He then starts texting me with random things on different days, and I go along with it all. Of course, I fail at hiding my feelings again, and I tell him so. He says again, he's sorry. I say ok, let's be friends. Better said than done. He sends me ambiguous messages and acts surprised when I tell him so. I have another mini-love adventure (as seen in May's post about that dear economist who apparently disappeared from this world entirely). After the end of that adventure, I feel really bad. Like, really crumby. Facebook acts as a medium for my depressed spirit. Boy texts me things like "sorry your love life sucks." Really?? Why tell me such things? Why not focus on the happy aspects of my life, like graduation? I tell him, he says, I thought you needed the comfort. (I do, but not like that you know?) He still says, he doesn't like me like that or whatever, and yet he continues to text me random things and tells me happy birthday right as midnight rolls around at the start of my birthday. Who does that? Certainly not people who are only interested in friendship. I politely say, thank you. Days go by, and another mini-love adventure, well one that's been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop (it still continues to this day), goes through a sour and dumb break. I accept blame for this next action I take: I text Boy and say, when are we going to hang out? He overreacts and says I confuse him with my thought process because I've told him we need to start over, avoid talking about love and other complicated subjects. I tell him I've been through a lot (after my car accident in November 2009, I lost my equilibrium in so many levels), and he says he still doesn't understand me.

I stop. I choose to, based on game theory, not take any further action. I take time, instead, to collect my thoughts. I write him a message, numbering different points that have led to our current situation. He responds, telling me it wasn't his intention to be ambiguous when he tried to "comfort" me earlier. That my thought process (my dependence on game theory for solving my problems) is both charming and intimidating. We seem okay after that. He's back home, and he asks me if we could hang out. Now, it had been over four years since we last saw each other in person, and we were both clearly scared of the potential outcome. I was hoping that finally seeing him would wake me up, make me realize that there was no love between us. We drive around, and incredibly, we have an amazing time. We eat, we drink, we talk about intelligent things, but we avoid the subject of feelings. It's okay, I think, there'll be more opportunities for such a conversation.

And there are. We see each other a few more times. He, always ambiguous. I, perhaps ambiguous in return. The last night we see each other, we drive around for a while. Talking, near the end of our last conversation, he asks, do you have any debts or anything you would like to say? Like he was expecting me to start talking about the ambiguously present attraction. What do I say? No. He doesn't say anything either. I keep to myself for a couple of days, then tell him we need to talk again. One last time, before he leaves. He says, you know I'm leaving very soon. I say, I know, but this really needs to be done. Regardless of outcome. I tell him, I'll leave it up to timing (for I had jury duty on the same day that I wanted to talk, the last day he'd be mostly free to do something). He says, he's scared. I say, you shouldn't be, it's up to timing, really.

Oh timing, how you really screwed things up. We never got to meet that day, I was held up at jury duty. Made it home fairly late. I text him right before he leaves, that the times we spent together were good. That I enjoyed his company. He tells me the same. The end. 

This situation had so many opportunities for me to take action, but I chose to be cautious and not do anything. Avoid risk. So now, he is far away, and I am still here. He sent me a text a while back complaining about the heat wave, and I replied, saying at least Summer is almost over. I wonder now if he misses me. He never said anything unambiguous to me. Perhaps we are perfect for each other because we're both very complicated. And now, that mini-love adventure, the one that has been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop, is in its last stages, I hope, the poor fellow also tells me I'm complicated and that I intimidate him with my thought process. I want this mini-love adventure to end already, just because I know he can't handle my behaviors. At least Boy knows my inner-workings, and poor fellow does not. He's too normal and doesn't understand my cynicism. I don't want to make him suffer, I guess.

So, I've decided to stop relying on game theory for now. I need to retreat and explore myself, my thoughts and feelings, let Boy go and do his own thing while I do my own. Poor fellow will hopefully understand that we can't become anything either. I will strive too, to avoid ambiguity. I will hold no secrets anymore.

In happier news, I purchased these beautiful shoes yesterday.:

They remind me of Mr. Peanut.
It is September at least! And so come the wonderful, wistfully happy moments of nostalgia that Autumn always brings along!