I Think Ur a Contra

So a few posts ago I mentioned I needed to resolve some issues with this guy I was seeing. After much thought and talking with some close friends, I came to terms with what I really wanted. I realized that I had genuine feelings for this friend-turned-lover, and that I didn't need to run away from my feelings.

But you know how these things go. He told me he didn't mean to lead me on, that another girl had his heart. I became upset but tried to keep calm and composed. I've been struggling, not only because of the feelings I felt, but because I didn't like how I let him get to me like this, when he was nowhere near the level that the former-love-of-my-life was. That last thing is what keeps me down most of the time.

I guess I also feel betrayed. Everything I shared was honest and sincere. And he seemed to reciprocate the honesty. I would talk about things that brighten my soul and mind (economics, politics, music, etc.), and he would appear interested and have intelligent conversations with me. And now, especially this very night, I feel like it was all an act on his part. Oh sure, he might dabble in the topics I'm studying, but he never really felt as strongly about them as I do. And while I had begun to believe that he cared about me, he was juggling dating several other girls, one of whom he is "officially" in a relationship with.

Whatever, dear. I think ur a contra. That's all I will say about you. Ever. What will happen to our friendship? I dunno, and I really don't care right now. And even though I know I didn't do anything wrong this time around, I don't know how to fight from feeling like the worst person in the world---so awful that some average-looking guy rejected me.

I know that last sentence up there is crazy talk and I need to stop. April appears to be the toughest month yet, and I just want to get through it quickly. Alone.