I Think Ur a Contra

So a few posts ago I mentioned I needed to resolve some issues with this guy I was seeing. After much thought and talking with some close friends, I came to terms with what I really wanted. I realized that I had genuine feelings for this friend-turned-lover, and that I didn't need to run away from my feelings.

But you know how these things go. He told me he didn't mean to lead me on, that another girl had his heart. I became upset but tried to keep calm and composed. I've been struggling, not only because of the feelings I felt, but because I didn't like how I let him get to me like this, when he was nowhere near the level that the former-love-of-my-life was. That last thing is what keeps me down most of the time.

I guess I also feel betrayed. Everything I shared was honest and sincere. And he seemed to reciprocate the honesty. I would talk about things that brighten my soul and mind (economics, politics, music, etc.), and he would appear interested and have intelligent conversations with me. And now, especially this very night, I feel like it was all an act on his part. Oh sure, he might dabble in the topics I'm studying, but he never really felt as strongly about them as I do. And while I had begun to believe that he cared about me, he was juggling dating several other girls, one of whom he is "officially" in a relationship with.

Whatever, dear. I think ur a contra. That's all I will say about you. Ever. What will happen to our friendship? I dunno, and I really don't care right now. And even though I know I didn't do anything wrong this time around, I don't know how to fight from feeling like the worst person in the world---so awful that some average-looking guy rejected me.

I know that last sentence up there is crazy talk and I need to stop. April appears to be the toughest month yet, and I just want to get through it quickly. Alone.

Too much

Hi everyone,

I'm still alive, but terribly occupied with school work and work-work. It's awful, but I keep telling myself things will clear up and I will soon be able to relax. (Ha, I know it's all illusion, I won't be able to truly relax [if that's even possible] until early May.)

Truly, it's been awful. In the course of the past two weeks, I've gone through the end of a relationship that was just about to blossom, I became very ill, and now I find myself trying to find happy endings for my friends, since I can't seem to have my own. All while keeping up with the reading assignments for my classes. :(

There's been lots of crying, frustration, anger, and just total detachment from things I used to enjoy, but I am trying my best to keep a positive outlook. Stuff like this happens, I have come to terms with the fact that I genuinely felt love and affection for a really nice guy. That was the hardest part for me, admitting I felt something. So you can imagine how horrible it was to all of a sudden be rejected by the guy I thought had felt something for me too. I honestly think there was something more to why he just ended things with me, but what can we do, right?

We're supposed to still be friends and whatever, and while I've genuinely tried to pass over this awkward phase in our friendship, he's not being as cooperative. I really don't want this to become another "brock" thing (this is what I'm calling that thing, it's not like the former-love-of-my-life reads this). But I don't know what I'll do if I see this recent ex with another girl or whatever. I don't think I can handle it, at least not for the time being.

And so, I've been distracting myself from all this ache by studying studying studying, stressing about studying, turning in homework assignments and listening to music. I've tried talking with friends, but not one of them truly understands the situation I'm in, both in my [lack of]-love life and in my academic pursuits. Remind me to laugh at all of this when this is over.

I'm sorry, you guys, this post has just been terribly sad. I'll do better on the next post.

Tuesday Tunesday: Une Année Sans Lumière

Hey, it's Tuesday, and I'm taking a tiny break from studying for "Mathematical Economics," which gives me good reason to share another song with y'all. It might be no surprise, but it is another Arcade Fire song, one that has lately made me feel oddly at peace with the goings-on around me.

Now, I don't know all the lyrics and background information to this song, but it does bring to mind Plato's Allegory of the Cave...maybe I'm thinking too much into it hahaha. Oh yeah, and it has a bit of French in it too (which I don't know how to speak/read/write!) Enjoy!



A lot can happen in a matter of days (well, if I want to stretch out the time span, a couple of weeks), and I've reached a fork in the road (so to speak), and I'm indifferent between the two [basic] choices (and consequently the two potential outcomes). On the one hand I could have affection and more time invested with the guy I care about; on the other, there would be no need for me to further develop my feelings for that same guy. Obviously I'd much rather not even dwell on this little situation, and as the days progress I'm leaning more and more towards not seeing him (exclusively, romantically, whatever) and just moving on.

My relapse (on dwelling on the former-love-of-my-life) has nothing to do with my current thoughts, but I think I might have mentioned it here before: if I had already fought with all my might for the [former-]love-of-my-life, why should I even fight for this new guy (when I don't even know if he's anything special)?

It sounds awful, I know, but sometimes we just have to face reality and make decisions that will, in the long-run, be the best decisions for all of us. I wouldn't mind, of course, taking our relationship to the next level (gosh that phrasing sounds so trite and annoying), but only if I can trust his sincerity and supposed affections for me. I dunno, with school and work and all the other stuff in between, y'all might agree that I should just let this situation go. How about I just decide to not think about this stuff for the rest of the week (at least)? We'll go from there.

Here's to hoping for more interesting and happier things for the rest of the week! :)

Who Loves Jealousy?

Oh come on, we've all encountered this quaint little feeling, at some point or another. I'll be the first to admit I'm one of the most jealous people you'll ever meet. But I'm very good at hiding it.

Source: Uploaded by user via Sabrina on Pinterest

The way I see it, it's quite alright to be jealous from time to time. I can be jealous of my current lover's female friend, how witty and cute she is, but I don't really hold anything against her. Honestly I don't even know her, and if my lover decided to one day choose her over me (if that is even a conceivable thought in his mind), I would totally understand his reasoning. She's awesome. I have a feeling that she is just like me, but with added bonuses, such as: being cute, having an affinity for dancing, and being such a sociable and friendly person.

Ok, ok, so maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit for my own attributes and awesome qualities (uhm, like explaining economics, having an amazing sense of humor, and just looking pretty good when I try hahaha), but that is not the point here tonight. The point is that I'm jealous, but I only get jealous when I meet people who are slightly more awesome than myself. (There really is no way for me to not sound like superficial monster here, is there?)

Anyway, I will rarely (if ever) mention my jealousy to my lovers, because I don't ever want him to change his friendships with others because of me. I think that's lame, and it's a total turn-off when I'm expected to cut communication with my guy friends just because my lover is a little jealous. Now don't get me wrong, I like finding out that my lover is jealous. I suspect my current lover is a little jealous, but he doesn't need to be. A rule of thumb or I guess some advice from me when it comes to the strength of my affection: if I send you a random illustration, picture, witty quote, or random word...that, my lover, means you're special, and you've got nothing to worry about. :)

I apologize, dear readers, this post is pretty crappy and dumb, isn't it? You can erase these words from your minds if you want, I wouldn't blame you!

Mini Panic Attack

Source: delicious.com via nicole on Pinterest

That's how I feel right now. Now that I'm 24, I realized that it's been exactly two years since I graduated from university. If I had been really really super focused and had known what I wanted to do two years ago, I'd be finishing up my masters degree right about now...or I'd possibly be halfway through my Ph. D.

This is tough on me, and while most of the time I calm myself down by saying, "It's alright Euni! The stuff you've gone through has been good for you and your development as an able human being in society!" (yes, I actually say "development as an able human being in society..." word for word), right now I'm kind of breaking down.

Where am I right now? Getting ready to take some calculus courses over the summer. I know that I want to pursue a higher degree in Behavioral Economics. What's holding me back? Not having enough information on good Behavioral Economics graduate programs. Also, the fear of not having enough funds/income to sustain my pursuit of higher education---sure, I can take on more loans, but at what point will it become too much debt? And sure, I'm totally cool with studying full-time and tackling the hard education stuff, but what about day-to-day living expenses (i.e. daily nourishment, rent, etc.)?

Someone should slap me in the face and give me a bottle of whiskey, preferably the whiskey first so my face can be numb.

...

Ok, I feel better now. I just need to laugh out loud and everything will be alright again---anyone want to join?

{On a brighter note, my birthday was wonderful. One of the best yet---but I'll discuss that later!}

Whirlwind

It's one of those moments in my life when I step back and look at what's going on. Where am I? Am I where I need to be? Are there any changes I need to make in my life to get to where I want and need to be?

Let's see...I have a job---a good job, but not my dream job---and I work 8 or so hours a day, and sometimes I'm busy, while other times I go crazy not knowing what to do with myself.

I read, though not as much as I would love to---that should change in the next couple of weeks, as I FINALLY subscribed to The Economist, and should have complete access to relevant news of the economy and whatnot. (On a side note, I will make time so I can finish reading Glamorama---another Bret Easton Ellis novel---I feel soooo bad for not finishing it sooner, and making all of the other books on my "Read Me" list collect dust on my dresser.)

I have more than enough clothes, and I need to STOP buying new clothes every time I go to the mall. It's a really bad habit, and I should be saving that money instead---who knows how tight my budget will be this summer, fall, and (hopefully) next spring when I add schoolwork to my life again.

The March of Dimes March for Babies is coming up---I've gotten into a routine now and hope to maintain it now and after the march. I kind of want to see if I can train a bit harder and maybe (a HUGE maybe) participate in a more intense run in the "near" future.

I've started to keep in touch with close friends (from my "younger" days and from my times at the bank), and I'd like to keep it that way. It's not fun when you stop talking and hanging out with good friends.

Today is (or was, since we're at the end of this fine Sunday) Easter Sunday, and with this celebration comes a sense of renewal and security. Lent is over, and I am now able to eat potato chips (and all those deliciously bad junk food snacks) again. In the past 40 days, I also made an effort to entirely ignore and not search for any information about the former love of my life. I hid his stuff from my news feed on Facebook, I made sure I was always offline to avoid any (though unlikely I think) potential and unwanted conversations from him...I even blocked his current girlfriend from my account---sometimes, and I'll admit it, I can get carried away with the whole "creeping"---I mean, INVESTIGATING---thing, so I knew it was the best thing for everyone for me to just do that. It's been good for me, not preoccupied with what he might be thinking or doing or whatever. I'm free. Sure, I think about him from time to time, and I miss him and the memories, but it's still okay. I live my life, he lives his life. I'm not ready to unexpectedly encounter him someday yet, I need to work on that. To be totally alright and unaffected by seeing him again.

So I have a few things to work on, but breaking them down like I did above has calmed me a bit. I don't need to fret, panic, or worry about anything. God just has a way of making things all come together at the right time. I'm in the right place right now. :)

P.S. I will totally write about my GAME THEORY tidbit and my healthcare opinion fairly soon: I don't have MS Paint on my laptop, so please bear with me as I need to make cute charts and for those posts. I hope it's worth it! :)

Music Monday: Crooked Teeth

Happy Music Monday, my friends! Goodness, today was a tremendously busy day at work. I'm not complaining---I LOVE the fact that I had actual stuff to do, and time flew by right before my eyes. ^_^

First things first: as y'all may or may not remember, I am still giddy and excited about the upcoming Death Cab For Cutie concert (in May), and so...the DCFC countdown continues! Today's Music Monday song is an earlier tune, Crooked Teeth. I am wistfully in love with it---I know, I know, aren't I always wistfully in love?

Favorite words: I'm a war of head versus heart / and it's always this way // My head is weak  / and my heart always speaks / before I know what it will say...

In other news, I was a bit "under the weather" on Friday, so I wasn't able to write about something awesome: GAME THEORY. Well, actually, I should more broadly say: ECONOMICS. I've got oodles and oodles to say about one very important issue that concerns all of us in America: HEALTHCARE. More specifically, the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, or whatever it is you wanna call it. BUUUUUUUUT, ALSO, I have this little broken-down chart/branchy thingy in my head...concerning "mating" choices---basically GAME THEORY applied to the real world, and *again* more specifically, applied to my life. I promise I'll talk about it this week; y'all will have a very brief but very exposed look into the way my mind works on a daily basis (not just about "mating" but also about quotidian choices)!

For now, my dears, I have to go clean up the kitchen---why is it that I have to clean up the kitchen when there are the dirtiest dishes to wash?...one of the many conundrums in my life, I guess.

Similar to this one, but mine was a MALLARD DUCK. (source: Mesker Park Zoo)

P.S. I got to ride on a DUCK PADDLEBOAT on Saturday! Much geekier and way more fun than a regular paddleboat, if you really wanna know.