Social Scientist?

Going along with my "Favorite Things" theme, I thought I'd start off with a light and cheery peek into one of my hobbies, our society.

Yeah...

Society is truly a fascinating subject, there are just so many layers and levels of depth to analyze, and even more thrilling and exhilirating is the fact that you and I are both components of this subject. Isn't that amazing?? Perhaps it's my good old SMU education, or maybe it was all chance or coincidence, but the courses I took exposed me to several diffirent aspects of society. My favorite course, for example, was on the History of Sex in America, from the beginning (colonial times) through the 20th (and beginning of the 21st) century. It was baffling, to say the least, actually slightly overwhelming, that we as human beings, components of our society, create and construct categories and characterize (and sometimes blindly enforce) sexuality. While social and sexual revolutions do take place over time, I find (and this is the part that truly fascinates me the most) that even though some social constructions deteriorate, new ones are born and so the cycle is renewed.

After that course, I had the lovely opportunity of taking two more interesting courses, "Dumb White Guy Politics in America" and "Troubled Youth." Perfect complements to my fascination with society. While these courses didn't focus on the social constructions of sexuality (they did brush on occasion with this sub-subject), they did allow for a more well-rounded overview into our society. While at times it seems that sexuality and gender roles play a major part in our society's behaviors, it turns out that social constructions exist everywhere. It's all breathtakingly amazing. I love society. I love human beings. I love social constructions.

Sometimes I wonder if I majored in the wrong thing, but then I realize: I am a social scientist. I'm an economist, and I will find a way to amalgamate my interest in social constructions with my passion with Economics. I've got a feeling that a major study is going to break through both fields of Economics and Sociology, perhaps behavioral Economics?? :)

Till then, enjoy the following clip. (A special thanks to my "Troubled Youth" professor!)

Approval, Necks, and Favorite Things

Good evening, all.


I think I've reached a new level of understanding and approval with my mother, with regards to the love of my life. Here's the story, and I'll try to be sweet and concise: 

So here we were talking about my friend, the love of my life, and it wasn't some serious conversation or anything, but I guess my mother, with all her motherly wisdom knew that I still love my friend. She austerely asked, do you like him? I said, all cool and clearly, yes. But that being his girlfriend (or stuff like that) isn't my priority. I'm okay either way, with or without title or whatever. She asked then, does he plan on staying in (let's call it) City X, and I said, I've no idea. And then, I kid you not, it was like that moment in "The Little Mermaid" when King Triton is about to turn Ariel into a human so she can be with Prince Eric, and my dear mother started saying, I think you're going to leave us behind, in a sort of wistful but accepting tone. I in turn said, no! I wouldn't want to live in City X permanently, maybe Boston, but not City X haha! After this weird and peaceful moment of understanding, I continued and finished the story that had to do with my friend, and my mother reacted more positively.

Could it be? Has she finally let go of the bad impression she had of my friend?! :) Now I can love without guilt!

Necks.
So, because of Fall's nostalgic atmosphere, every now and then I remember my friend's aroma. I can't explain it, and I feel like a total "goofy" "doofus" (yes, I actually used those words!) because what I remember most is, well, his neck. Not like I ever touched it or anything. But yes, the neck. It's there. I want to see it in person soon. I sure miss terrible times with terrible people. And their necks. (Or in this case, his neck.)


Lastly, for this evening, my mother's implicit approval has lightened things up for me: I feel that I can't go wrong in anything. I am simply content with life, and it doesn't matter that not everything is going the way I would like it to, I have my love and that's all I need!


That leads me to the last portion of this post's title "Favorite Things." I think I'll go ahead and write a post about one Favorite Thing for the next few times, I find that if I focus on the good things, the things that agree with me, the things that cancel the bad things (I'm very well aware I've used "things" too liberally tonight), I generally get along in a better mood and attitude. You should give it a try.


Brief example: Instead of saying, "I hate it when stupid drivers merge in front of me and drive slowly," I now say, "I love it when everyone drives appropriately," or "I love it when I find a way to get home in a good amount of time."


So come on, enjoy the beautiful Fall weather, enjoy your love, enjoy your life!!! :)

Cats

(Yes, cats. Not the literal and natural version, but the musical, legging/spandex-wearing, dancing and singing version.) So I saw the musical "Cats" last night while studying for the GRE, and...wow. It's hilarious. I had always wondered what all the excitement about it was, and now my curiosity has been quenched.

That's my favorite scene. Rum Tum Tugger...such a suggestive kitty.

Uhm, I can't top that video, so I guess I'll write more soon!! I took more pictures outside with my little cousins, so I'll play around with the images a bit and see if anything good comes out of them. Till then, enjoy the cats.

Fall

So it's the end of the week and the start of a new month, October. Several things have happened in the last few weeks:

• I finally purchased a digital camera. It's a Nikon L110, and I don't know if it's the best or the worst, but it works! (And it's my very first camera!)
• I'm still working at the bank, though I've realized that I don't really like it there.
• I paid for and am currently studying for the GRE. It will take place on October 16th. ***Super fun times!***
• The weather has been simply amazingly gorgeous. Beautiful, pristine Fall is here. Along with nostalgia.

Actually, with regards to the last bullet point, I realized why I love Fall so much, and why such passionate bouts of nostalgia overcome me more frequently throughout this peaceful season. it was during Fall, you see, that I first fell in love.

And it wasn't the same kind of love I felt when I had my first legitimate long-term boyfriend; no, this love had a sense of purity, a sense of platonic innocence. Taking in the beautiful, clear blue sky and letting out a deep wistful sigh. Taking in the crisp, cool Fall air and feeling like you were with your love right then and there.

As I write about this love, I become overwhelmed by the everlasting intensity that has survived these years. This love is immortal. It seems to transcend all earthly measures. It is real and true. And it doesn't matter if anything comes from it (i.e. reciprocity); I am perfectly pleased by its mere existence. I love this feeling. A natural high.

Well, well! I really mustn't dwell on this realization, there are so many things to do! I need to find a better job, I need to find out what I truly want to do with myself, I need to carry on with my quest to find my place in this world!!

In other news, as you may or may not be aware of, I am a new fan of Mr. Bret Easton Ellis, and I recently purchased "American Psycho." I haven't seen the film adaptation (with Christian Bale) in its entirety, but I hear the book is a lot more graphic than the movie...I guess I'll find out soon; it makes for some good Halloween reading at least hahaha.

P.S. Here are some pictures taken by my new camera (heeheehee), and with a little help from iPhoto, I made them look cute and artsy:

"Old Stuffed Horse"

"Harvest Basket"

"Little Red"

"Park in the Morning"

"Potted Plant"

Enjoy!

Teeny Tiny Update

I've been wanting to post stuff for Teeny Tiny Tidbits, but my time has been consumed by work, work, work, and GRE studying. Oh, and also by the beautiful Fall weather!!!!!!!

I promise I'll post again, a much longer Teeny Tiny Tidbit, by the end of the week, most likely Friday or Saturday :)

I love my love and life and everything, really. I hope y'all have a wonderful week!

Sunday

I like driving, alone and with others. I like acting as the navigator when we explore unknown destinations. Today, I had the lovely opportunity to be my mother's co-pilot, and we all made it to Lone Star Park, in Grand Prairie, Texas.

Wow, it's been a while since I've filled my Sunday with what happened today. We went to Grand Prairie so my younger sister could work at one of the booths at the annual "Fiestas Patrias," celebrating Hispanic heritage and whatnot. It was rather hot outside, loud music reverberating in my heart. People walking around, gathering around the various booths. We bought some exaggeratedly priced bottled water, and then decided to drive around while my sister worked.

Drove to Grapevine, Irving, then back to the festivities. Lots of men in interesting, and sometimes ridiculous, boots. Louder music, more drinking drunk attendees, more entertainment for us, enjoying the boots, the people themselves. It's been a while since I've been surrounded by this type of crowd. I think I've filled my quota for the next decade or so.

I've barely gotten home now. The smell of sweet sweat and sunscreen surrounds me. The end of my weekend. Tomorrow I go back to work. Counting down the days till the next weekend.

I wrote a poem at work, by the way. I didn't think I could, doing it as a favor to a co-worker. Thought it would be too trite, but I fear (or I may actually be glad) that it was a way for me to let out some feelings about my dear friend. Everything's alright, though!

I need to clean myself up now (can't go to bed smelling like the sun)!

Game Theory.

Having studied Economics for more than four years now, I find that I've perhaps become too much of an economist. Particularly in places where I perhaps should not be one.

I live my life through Game Theory. In every single situation I face, I inevitably consider my options and extrapolate, creating consequences for every potential action I could take. While this way of thinking is totally helpful when I'm driving through traffic and when I buy groceries, it's not so helpful with my unnecessarily complicated love adventures.

You know, it might be a great time to talk about the love of my life. Whether he deserves to be considered the love of my life, I really don't know. Things always just feel right when we're together. When we talk about anything really, being cynical about stuff. Being picky eaters together. Driving around, exploring different places here and there.

To be fair, I must warn that this is a rather long story, and a winding one at that...Let me spare you a long sad story and give you the abridged version instead:

I meet boy in high school. I have boyfriend though, so even though we had great times together and the attraction was obvious, nothing happens. He graduates. I graduate the year after. I go to college, and my boyfriend becomes my ex-boyfriend. Boy and I bump into each other at the grocery store and greet each other. Feels like old times, even though the meeting lasts a few minutes and we haven't seen each other in over a year. I let the moment pass. Later in Spring, we reconnect through (lamentably) Facebook. Our posts and messages feel so real and familiar, like time has had no effect on our conversations. Things feel perfect, but then I am away from our conversation for a while. When I come back, Boy has girlfriend. I say, it's okay, and let the moment pass. A while later, he sends me a message. I reply, with only friendly intentions, and soon the messages become longer and longer. We tell each other everything. I say, no, don't feel anything for him please. Months continue and I then realize that the feelings are real. I tell Boy. He says, sorry he can't, he has Girlfriend. Christmas passes by. New Year's, I'm in Mexico. He sends me a message then. All charismatic and stuff. I try to be friendly. Ok.

(From my perspective, it seems that he takes this as a sign that we're cool again, and that he can start sending me messages again. For me, it's a moment of game theory: should I play along and enjoy the moments, or should I be morally upright and say no?)

Things culminate and reach the climax in March. I tell him again, that feelings still exist, and that his having a girlfriend kind of complicate things. He says sorry. I ask him, why are you doing this? Do you even have feelings for me? He says he does. And I say, well then, what's holding you back? He says, his obligations. (Obligations? Really?) I say, fine, we can't do this anymore. So we stop talking. My last year of college starts. Pretty uneventful. Granted, I have mini-love adventures during the Spring semester of junior year and the start of senior year. New Year's comes around again. Again, Boy contacts me. This time I'm significantly colder, try to shut down the conversation. I believe he takes the hint. Spring semester of senior year begins. I personally and secretly struggle to get him out of my mind. Just when I feel good about things, when I've come to accept his "obligations" and whatnot, Boy appears again. Decides to tell me that his relationship ended. It's March. A few days before his birthday. I feel bad, and while I don't tell him I still love him, I act as a friend to him. Listen to his woes. I tell him to cheer up: you see, he's away from family and old friends while at graduate school, and the break up has left him vulnerable and depressed.

He then starts texting me with random things on different days, and I go along with it all. Of course, I fail at hiding my feelings again, and I tell him so. He says again, he's sorry. I say ok, let's be friends. Better said than done. He sends me ambiguous messages and acts surprised when I tell him so. I have another mini-love adventure (as seen in May's post about that dear economist who apparently disappeared from this world entirely). After the end of that adventure, I feel really bad. Like, really crumby. Facebook acts as a medium for my depressed spirit. Boy texts me things like "sorry your love life sucks." Really?? Why tell me such things? Why not focus on the happy aspects of my life, like graduation? I tell him, he says, I thought you needed the comfort. (I do, but not like that you know?) He still says, he doesn't like me like that or whatever, and yet he continues to text me random things and tells me happy birthday right as midnight rolls around at the start of my birthday. Who does that? Certainly not people who are only interested in friendship. I politely say, thank you. Days go by, and another mini-love adventure, well one that's been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop (it still continues to this day), goes through a sour and dumb break. I accept blame for this next action I take: I text Boy and say, when are we going to hang out? He overreacts and says I confuse him with my thought process because I've told him we need to start over, avoid talking about love and other complicated subjects. I tell him I've been through a lot (after my car accident in November 2009, I lost my equilibrium in so many levels), and he says he still doesn't understand me.

I stop. I choose to, based on game theory, not take any further action. I take time, instead, to collect my thoughts. I write him a message, numbering different points that have led to our current situation. He responds, telling me it wasn't his intention to be ambiguous when he tried to "comfort" me earlier. That my thought process (my dependence on game theory for solving my problems) is both charming and intimidating. We seem okay after that. He's back home, and he asks me if we could hang out. Now, it had been over four years since we last saw each other in person, and we were both clearly scared of the potential outcome. I was hoping that finally seeing him would wake me up, make me realize that there was no love between us. We drive around, and incredibly, we have an amazing time. We eat, we drink, we talk about intelligent things, but we avoid the subject of feelings. It's okay, I think, there'll be more opportunities for such a conversation.

And there are. We see each other a few more times. He, always ambiguous. I, perhaps ambiguous in return. The last night we see each other, we drive around for a while. Talking, near the end of our last conversation, he asks, do you have any debts or anything you would like to say? Like he was expecting me to start talking about the ambiguously present attraction. What do I say? No. He doesn't say anything either. I keep to myself for a couple of days, then tell him we need to talk again. One last time, before he leaves. He says, you know I'm leaving very soon. I say, I know, but this really needs to be done. Regardless of outcome. I tell him, I'll leave it up to timing (for I had jury duty on the same day that I wanted to talk, the last day he'd be mostly free to do something). He says, he's scared. I say, you shouldn't be, it's up to timing, really.

Oh timing, how you really screwed things up. We never got to meet that day, I was held up at jury duty. Made it home fairly late. I text him right before he leaves, that the times we spent together were good. That I enjoyed his company. He tells me the same. The end. 

This situation had so many opportunities for me to take action, but I chose to be cautious and not do anything. Avoid risk. So now, he is far away, and I am still here. He sent me a text a while back complaining about the heat wave, and I replied, saying at least Summer is almost over. I wonder now if he misses me. He never said anything unambiguous to me. Perhaps we are perfect for each other because we're both very complicated. And now, that mini-love adventure, the one that has been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop, is in its last stages, I hope, the poor fellow also tells me I'm complicated and that I intimidate him with my thought process. I want this mini-love adventure to end already, just because I know he can't handle my behaviors. At least Boy knows my inner-workings, and poor fellow does not. He's too normal and doesn't understand my cynicism. I don't want to make him suffer, I guess.

So, I've decided to stop relying on game theory for now. I need to retreat and explore myself, my thoughts and feelings, let Boy go and do his own thing while I do my own. Poor fellow will hopefully understand that we can't become anything either. I will strive too, to avoid ambiguity. I will hold no secrets anymore.

In happier news, I purchased these beautiful shoes yesterday.:

They remind me of Mr. Peanut.

It is September at least! And so come the wonderful, wistfully happy moments of nostalgia that Autumn always brings along!