Teeny Tiny Update

I've been wanting to post stuff for Teeny Tiny Tidbits, but my time has been consumed by work, work, work, and GRE studying. Oh, and also by the beautiful Fall weather!!!!!!!

I promise I'll post again, a much longer Teeny Tiny Tidbit, by the end of the week, most likely Friday or Saturday :)

I love my love and life and everything, really. I hope y'all have a wonderful week!

Sunday

I like driving, alone and with others. I like acting as the navigator when we explore unknown destinations. Today, I had the lovely opportunity to be my mother's co-pilot, and we all made it to Lone Star Park, in Grand Prairie, Texas.

Wow, it's been a while since I've filled my Sunday with what happened today. We went to Grand Prairie so my younger sister could work at one of the booths at the annual "Fiestas Patrias," celebrating Hispanic heritage and whatnot. It was rather hot outside, loud music reverberating in my heart. People walking around, gathering around the various booths. We bought some exaggeratedly priced bottled water, and then decided to drive around while my sister worked.

Drove to Grapevine, Irving, then back to the festivities. Lots of men in interesting, and sometimes ridiculous, boots. Louder music, more drinking drunk attendees, more entertainment for us, enjoying the boots, the people themselves. It's been a while since I've been surrounded by this type of crowd. I think I've filled my quota for the next decade or so.

I've barely gotten home now. The smell of sweet sweat and sunscreen surrounds me. The end of my weekend. Tomorrow I go back to work. Counting down the days till the next weekend.

I wrote a poem at work, by the way. I didn't think I could, doing it as a favor to a co-worker. Thought it would be too trite, but I fear (or I may actually be glad) that it was a way for me to let out some feelings about my dear friend. Everything's alright, though!

I need to clean myself up now (can't go to bed smelling like the sun)!

Game Theory.

Having studied Economics for more than four years now, I find that I've perhaps become too much of an economist. Particularly in places where I perhaps should not be one.

I live my life through Game Theory. In every single situation I face, I inevitably consider my options and extrapolate, creating consequences for every potential action I could take. While this way of thinking is totally helpful when I'm driving through traffic and when I buy groceries, it's not so helpful with my unnecessarily complicated love adventures.

You know, it might be a great time to talk about the love of my life. Whether he deserves to be considered the love of my life, I really don't know. Things always just feel right when we're together. When we talk about anything really, being cynical about stuff. Being picky eaters together. Driving around, exploring different places here and there.

To be fair, I must warn that this is a rather long story, and a winding one at that...Let me spare you a long sad story and give you the abridged version instead:

I meet boy in high school. I have boyfriend though, so even though we had great times together and the attraction was obvious, nothing happens. He graduates. I graduate the year after. I go to college, and my boyfriend becomes my ex-boyfriend. Boy and I bump into each other at the grocery store and greet each other. Feels like old times, even though the meeting lasts a few minutes and we haven't seen each other in over a year. I let the moment pass. Later in Spring, we reconnect through (lamentably) Facebook. Our posts and messages feel so real and familiar, like time has had no effect on our conversations. Things feel perfect, but then I am away from our conversation for a while. When I come back, Boy has girlfriend. I say, it's okay, and let the moment pass. A while later, he sends me a message. I reply, with only friendly intentions, and soon the messages become longer and longer. We tell each other everything. I say, no, don't feel anything for him please. Months continue and I then realize that the feelings are real. I tell Boy. He says, sorry he can't, he has Girlfriend. Christmas passes by. New Year's, I'm in Mexico. He sends me a message then. All charismatic and stuff. I try to be friendly. Ok.

(From my perspective, it seems that he takes this as a sign that we're cool again, and that he can start sending me messages again. For me, it's a moment of game theory: should I play along and enjoy the moments, or should I be morally upright and say no?)

Things culminate and reach the climax in March. I tell him again, that feelings still exist, and that his having a girlfriend kind of complicate things. He says sorry. I ask him, why are you doing this? Do you even have feelings for me? He says he does. And I say, well then, what's holding you back? He says, his obligations. (Obligations? Really?) I say, fine, we can't do this anymore. So we stop talking. My last year of college starts. Pretty uneventful. Granted, I have mini-love adventures during the Spring semester of junior year and the start of senior year. New Year's comes around again. Again, Boy contacts me. This time I'm significantly colder, try to shut down the conversation. I believe he takes the hint. Spring semester of senior year begins. I personally and secretly struggle to get him out of my mind. Just when I feel good about things, when I've come to accept his "obligations" and whatnot, Boy appears again. Decides to tell me that his relationship ended. It's March. A few days before his birthday. I feel bad, and while I don't tell him I still love him, I act as a friend to him. Listen to his woes. I tell him to cheer up: you see, he's away from family and old friends while at graduate school, and the break up has left him vulnerable and depressed.

He then starts texting me with random things on different days, and I go along with it all. Of course, I fail at hiding my feelings again, and I tell him so. He says again, he's sorry. I say ok, let's be friends. Better said than done. He sends me ambiguous messages and acts surprised when I tell him so. I have another mini-love adventure (as seen in May's post about that dear economist who apparently disappeared from this world entirely). After the end of that adventure, I feel really bad. Like, really crumby. Facebook acts as a medium for my depressed spirit. Boy texts me things like "sorry your love life sucks." Really?? Why tell me such things? Why not focus on the happy aspects of my life, like graduation? I tell him, he says, I thought you needed the comfort. (I do, but not like that you know?) He still says, he doesn't like me like that or whatever, and yet he continues to text me random things and tells me happy birthday right as midnight rolls around at the start of my birthday. Who does that? Certainly not people who are only interested in friendship. I politely say, thank you. Days go by, and another mini-love adventure, well one that's been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop (it still continues to this day), goes through a sour and dumb break. I accept blame for this next action I take: I text Boy and say, when are we going to hang out? He overreacts and says I confuse him with my thought process because I've told him we need to start over, avoid talking about love and other complicated subjects. I tell him I've been through a lot (after my car accident in November 2009, I lost my equilibrium in so many levels), and he says he still doesn't understand me.

I stop. I choose to, based on game theory, not take any further action. I take time, instead, to collect my thoughts. I write him a message, numbering different points that have led to our current situation. He responds, telling me it wasn't his intention to be ambiguous when he tried to "comfort" me earlier. That my thought process (my dependence on game theory for solving my problems) is both charming and intimidating. We seem okay after that. He's back home, and he asks me if we could hang out. Now, it had been over four years since we last saw each other in person, and we were both clearly scared of the potential outcome. I was hoping that finally seeing him would wake me up, make me realize that there was no love between us. We drive around, and incredibly, we have an amazing time. We eat, we drink, we talk about intelligent things, but we avoid the subject of feelings. It's okay, I think, there'll be more opportunities for such a conversation.

And there are. We see each other a few more times. He, always ambiguous. I, perhaps ambiguous in return. The last night we see each other, we drive around for a while. Talking, near the end of our last conversation, he asks, do you have any debts or anything you would like to say? Like he was expecting me to start talking about the ambiguously present attraction. What do I say? No. He doesn't say anything either. I keep to myself for a couple of days, then tell him we need to talk again. One last time, before he leaves. He says, you know I'm leaving very soon. I say, I know, but this really needs to be done. Regardless of outcome. I tell him, I'll leave it up to timing (for I had jury duty on the same day that I wanted to talk, the last day he'd be mostly free to do something). He says, he's scared. I say, you shouldn't be, it's up to timing, really.

Oh timing, how you really screwed things up. We never got to meet that day, I was held up at jury duty. Made it home fairly late. I text him right before he leaves, that the times we spent together were good. That I enjoyed his company. He tells me the same. The end. 

This situation had so many opportunities for me to take action, but I chose to be cautious and not do anything. Avoid risk. So now, he is far away, and I am still here. He sent me a text a while back complaining about the heat wave, and I replied, saying at least Summer is almost over. I wonder now if he misses me. He never said anything unambiguous to me. Perhaps we are perfect for each other because we're both very complicated. And now, that mini-love adventure, the one that has been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop, is in its last stages, I hope, the poor fellow also tells me I'm complicated and that I intimidate him with my thought process. I want this mini-love adventure to end already, just because I know he can't handle my behaviors. At least Boy knows my inner-workings, and poor fellow does not. He's too normal and doesn't understand my cynicism. I don't want to make him suffer, I guess.

So, I've decided to stop relying on game theory for now. I need to retreat and explore myself, my thoughts and feelings, let Boy go and do his own thing while I do my own. Poor fellow will hopefully understand that we can't become anything either. I will strive too, to avoid ambiguity. I will hold no secrets anymore.

In happier news, I purchased these beautiful shoes yesterday.:

They remind me of Mr. Peanut.

It is September at least! And so come the wonderful, wistfully happy moments of nostalgia that Autumn always brings along!

Catching Up!

Well, I've been doing quite a bit of stuff since the last time I updated my teeny tiny blog. Several ideas about how I should format this thing, I've been inspired by several webcomics and other cool blogs from friends of mine. I should really invest more time into this collection of thoughts and reactions (way to be lame, I know, but I have the free time, and it'd be cool to see my progress with regards to my plans...).

Well first, I'd like to share the following New York Times article, it discusses the amazing Federal Reserve, and their latest statements in reaction to the current state of the economy:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/28/business/economy/28fed.html?_r=1&th&emc=th

I promise I'll update a lot sooner next time! I have a lot to fill in about this summer and my fun adventures!

Enjoy! <3

Fleetingly Ephemeral

{Let me try this writing format thingy. See if it agrees with the tone I’m attempting to express.}

I took a risk last week, something I rarely do, which is ironic because I am a Finance major. I primarily deal with risk and return practically every single day in class.

I awkwardly e-mailed a fellow classmate if he’d like to get together sometime in the near future.

Awkward. Weird. Nonetheless, the risk was taken. I had done it.

To which he warmingly responded, yes, I would love to.

For a second, I believed things would actually end well. Risk had paid off in this case. And then some analysis came into play.

Was I the first to be interested enough to take this risk with this particular classmate of mine? Was this an authentic potential connection? What could possibly be our expectations?

Then, a fleetingly ephemeral (if ephemeral can be any more fleeting) glimmer of hope. Of optimism. Relief, that after so long, my story as a college student would end on a happy note.

Fleetingly ephemeral? No kidding. Seriously.

Yesterday he says, unexpected things have come up, I’ll have to postpone our getting together. Surprise surprise. I replied, curtly I hope, though it’ll probably come off as ambiguous. Is this an indefinite postponement? Good luck on finals, I hope everything works out.

The end. I wonder if God sometimes likes to tease me: like, here you go, here’s your chance, oh wait, never mind, maybe next time. (Sorry God, I must sound blasphemous, but sometimes I do become quite upset about things like this.)

All I can do, I suppose, is accept the results, no? I wonder if he just said that because he’s scared. He is quite a different sort of fellow, I do wonder if I’m the first one who has been interested enough to pursue something with him. Well, uncertainty and fear are no reason to back away and choose to do nothing, you know. I can only hope that he was being honest with me, and that there might be a tiny tiny tiny possibility of things actually working out in the end.

And so, today, this week, rather than potentially having an amazing time with a potentially wonderful boy, I am confined to studying for my final exams. So much more fun, right? At least I decided to take this risk at the end of the semester, rather than earlier, I won’t have to bump into him any time after we graduate! I’ll see how it goes.

Loyalty and Uncertainty

So as a college student nearing her graduation, I've had to go on that painful quest for a "professional career." Quest because there seems to be an honorable and noble tone to my search, and painful because of all of the rejections that I've had to accept and move forward from. I started my career search since last semester (the fall semester), but I will admit, in retrospect, that I could have made a stronger and more diligent portrait of myself, to appeal to all of those potential employers. And now as I have a little less than a month from graduation, I have boosted the genuine interest and enthusiasm into all of the positions I've applied for. (I actually have a few more I will be working on this week.)

I had an interview yesterday actually. I had perfected my resume for this employer, which I'll call Company X, and had secured this interview. Anyway, I met with the interviewer, all dressed up in the acceptable, conservative business professional attire. I sat in a manner that projected attention and interest in this interview. I had wonderful answers for all of the interviewer's questions. And she looked like I was becoming one of the favorites to go on to the second round of interviews. Honestly, if you had been seeing this exchange of words, you would totally be able to feel and sense the exciting momentum and the air of security and confidence radiating from my person.

It was going deliciously well...until she asked me where I saw myself five years from now.

I said, "Well, I hope, if Company X hires me, to be at another level within the company, promoted and not be in the same position that I'm applying for today..."

Perhaps I should have stopped there. I did not.

"Or, because I'm an economics major, and it has been a dream of mine to do this, I'll be working for the Federal Reserve."

In a split second, I saw the interviewer's happy facial expression transform into one of utter disdain. Oops?

She asked me, "Now, I'm going to be honest with you. How do you think Company X would feel if we took the time to train you, give you extensive knowledge about our products and services, and then at the first offer you get from the Fed you choose to leave?"

"Well, I suppose Company X would not feel good."

"Exactly, and because this is a competitive position, Company X is looking for someone who plans to be here long-term. We don't want to spend time with someone just to see them go."

Well, I couldn't lie about my ultimate plans about going into the public sector via the Fed. I passionately replied:

"I do not know what will happen tomorrow, next week, next year, or in ten years. I can only promise that if Company X hires me, I will do my best to make the company better. I will treat my clients in a unique and personable manner, helping them get what they need most, while simultaneously helping the company. I will be loyal. That's one of the reasons I have worked at my current job for about two years. There are definitely other jobs out there that I could take and leave my current job, but I don't do it because I'm too loyal to my current job. I love the people I work with, I love the managers I work with, I love my customers, and if Company X provides an environment similar to the one my current job provides, then I will also remain loyal. If this happens to be the case, then I might never even consider a job offer from any other company or the Fed."

I guess it was a pretty lengthy response. But I was being honest. The interviewer then said, "Ok, I'll send your information to the rest of management then. But if you take some time to think and find that you are no longer interested in this position, or if you have any questions, please contact me and let me know."

An exchange of thank you's and goodbyes.

For a second, I felt kind of guilty and bad about my dream to work for the Fed one day. But then I started thinking, well, it is not my fault I would like to work for the Fed, you know. And I can't know whether I would ever even get an employment offer from the Fed in the near or distant future. Life might take some sharp turns, and I might even end up not working in the finance field. I can't say I'll stay with Company X forever and ever, who does that? If relatively better opportunities come up, why wouldn't I take them? I am after all my own person. This isn't a marriage I'm proposing to Company X.

Ugh, I'm just hoping defending my Fed dreams pay off.

Hello!

Good day. I've had the curiosity to start recording my thoughts via blog over the last year or so, and I've finally gotten around to do so...

Whether anyone reads this doesn't really matter, but I do encourage it. The Teeny Tiny Tidbits of Thoughts, (do pardon the alliteration, though I totally intentionally took the time to do so [the subordinate clause you just read was unintentional, honest!]) will hopefully provoke some thinking, or at the very least, provide some light entertainment.

Please enjoy! :)

Disclaimer: the Teeny Tiny Tidbits of Thoughts may on occasion not be so teeny tiny. Do bear with me, I had wanted a cutesy name, but "teeny tiny" was the only way for me to creatively and legitimately use "Tidbits," which happens to be one of my favorite words ever.

Oh yes, I do love words!