Sometimes I Wonder...

Note: this post is very much about myself, so I do apologize if it's boring and dumb.


Sometimes I wonder if I am not only the protagonist of my life, but the antagonist in others' lives as well. Have you thought about that? I mean, here I am, (for example), all caught up in how so-and-so is being hurtful towards me or whatever, when I might actually be doing the same thing to another particular unfortunate soul. Like, while my heart is broken by someone, I am actually breaking another poor boy's heart.


...nooooooo, I couldn't possibly be so mean...but...


just in case I am responsible for such a thing, I do apologize. In retrospect, I realize that I may in fact have been kind of cold. Not answering the phone, cancelling plans, not allowing conversations to get too serious...yeah, I'm sorry. (I should rephrase the "not answering the phone" thing: it should rather be "not returning missed phone calls...")


I guess history and personal experiences have made me be like this--too emotionally complex, cautious, and weary--but I feel that I still haven't found who and what I'm looking for. Perhaps I'll understand everything when I find it; or maybe God has a nice, winding path for me to travel in order to come right back where I started but in a different light. Either way, I'm still here, breathing, living.