I live my life through Game Theory. In every single situation I face, I inevitably consider my options and extrapolate, creating consequences for every potential action I could take. While this way of thinking is totally helpful when I'm driving through traffic and when I buy groceries, it's not so helpful with my unnecessarily complicated love adventures.
You know, it might be a great time to talk about the love of my life. Whether he deserves to be considered the love of my life, I really don't know. Things always just feel right when we're together. When we talk about anything really, being cynical about stuff. Being picky eaters together. Driving around, exploring different places here and there.
To be fair, I must warn that this is a rather long story, and a winding one at that...Let me spare you a long sad story and give you the abridged version instead:
I meet boy in high school. I have boyfriend though, so even though we had great times together and the attraction was obvious, nothing happens. He graduates. I graduate the year after. I go to college, and my boyfriend becomes my ex-boyfriend. Boy and I bump into each other at the grocery store and greet each other. Feels like old times, even though the meeting lasts a few minutes and we haven't seen each other in over a year. I let the moment pass. Later in Spring, we reconnect through (lamentably) Facebook. Our posts and messages feel so real and familiar, like time has had no effect on our conversations. Things feel perfect, but then I am away from our conversation for a while. When I come back, Boy has girlfriend. I say, it's okay, and let the moment pass. A while later, he sends me a message. I reply, with only friendly intentions, and soon the messages become longer and longer. We tell each other everything. I say, no, don't feel anything for him please. Months continue and I then realize that the feelings are real. I tell Boy. He says, sorry he can't, he has Girlfriend. Christmas passes by. New Year's, I'm in Mexico. He sends me a message then. All charismatic and stuff. I try to be friendly. Ok.
(From my perspective, it seems that he takes this as a sign that we're cool again, and that he can start sending me messages again. For me, it's a moment of game theory: should I play along and enjoy the moments, or should I be morally upright and say no?)
Things culminate and reach the climax in March. I tell him again, that feelings still exist, and that his having a girlfriend kind of complicate things. He says sorry. I ask him, why are you doing this? Do you even have feelings for me? He says he does. And I say, well then, what's holding you back? He says, his obligations. (Obligations? Really?) I say, fine, we can't do this anymore. So we stop talking. My last year of college starts. Pretty uneventful. Granted, I have mini-love adventures during the Spring semester of junior year and the start of senior year. New Year's comes around again. Again, Boy contacts me. This time I'm significantly colder, try to shut down the conversation. I believe he takes the hint. Spring semester of senior year begins. I personally and secretly struggle to get him out of my mind. Just when I feel good about things, when I've come to accept his "obligations" and whatnot, Boy appears again. Decides to tell me that his relationship ended. It's March. A few days before his birthday. I feel bad, and while I don't tell him I still love him, I act as a friend to him. Listen to his woes. I tell him to cheer up: you see, he's away from family and old friends while at graduate school, and the break up has left him vulnerable and depressed.
He then starts texting me with random things on different days, and I go along with it all. Of course, I fail at hiding my feelings again, and I tell him so. He says again, he's sorry. I say ok, let's be friends. Better said than done. He sends me ambiguous messages and acts surprised when I tell him so. I have another mini-love adventure (as seen in May's post about that dear economist who apparently disappeared from this world entirely). After the end of that adventure, I feel really bad. Like, really crumby. Facebook acts as a medium for my depressed spirit. Boy texts me things like "sorry your love life sucks." Really?? Why tell me such things? Why not focus on the happy aspects of my life, like graduation? I tell him, he says, I thought you needed the comfort. (I do, but not like that you know?) He still says, he doesn't like me like that or whatever, and yet he continues to text me random things and tells me happy birthday right as midnight rolls around at the start of my birthday. Who does that? Certainly not people who are only interested in friendship. I politely say, thank you. Days go by, and another mini-love adventure, well one that's been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop (it still continues to this day), goes through a sour and dumb break. I accept blame for this next action I take: I text Boy and say, when are we going to hang out? He overreacts and says I confuse him with my thought process because I've told him we need to start over, avoid talking about love and other complicated subjects. I tell him I've been through a lot (after my car accident in November 2009, I lost my equilibrium in so many levels), and he says he still doesn't understand me.
I stop. I choose to, based on game theory, not take any further action. I take time, instead, to collect my thoughts. I write him a message, numbering different points that have led to our current situation. He responds, telling me it wasn't his intention to be ambiguous when he tried to "comfort" me earlier. That my thought process (my dependence on game theory for solving my problems) is both charming and intimidating. We seem okay after that. He's back home, and he asks me if we could hang out. Now, it had been over four years since we last saw each other in person, and we were both clearly scared of the potential outcome. I was hoping that finally seeing him would wake me up, make me realize that there was no love between us. We drive around, and incredibly, we have an amazing time. We eat, we drink, we talk about intelligent things, but we avoid the subject of feelings. It's okay, I think, there'll be more opportunities for such a conversation.
And there are. We see each other a few more times. He, always ambiguous. I, perhaps ambiguous in return. The last night we see each other, we drive around for a while. Talking, near the end of our last conversation, he asks, do you have any debts or anything you would like to say? Like he was expecting me to start talking about the ambiguously present attraction. What do I say? No. He doesn't say anything either. I keep to myself for a couple of days, then tell him we need to talk again. One last time, before he leaves. He says, you know I'm leaving very soon. I say, I know, but this really needs to be done. Regardless of outcome. I tell him, I'll leave it up to timing (for I had jury duty on the same day that I wanted to talk, the last day he'd be mostly free to do something). He says, he's scared. I say, you shouldn't be, it's up to timing, really.
Oh timing, how you really screwed things up. We never got to meet that day, I was held up at jury duty. Made it home fairly late. I text him right before he leaves, that the times we spent together were good. That I enjoyed his company. He tells me the same. The end.
This situation had so many opportunities for me to take action, but I chose to be cautious and not do anything. Avoid risk. So now, he is far away, and I am still here. He sent me a text a while back complaining about the heat wave, and I replied, saying at least Summer is almost over. I wonder now if he misses me. He never said anything unambiguous to me. Perhaps we are perfect for each other because we're both very complicated. And now, that mini-love adventure, the one that has been unnecessarily drawn out and should really just stop, is in its last stages, I hope, the poor fellow also tells me I'm complicated and that I intimidate him with my thought process. I want this mini-love adventure to end already, just because I know he can't handle my behaviors. At least Boy knows my inner-workings, and poor fellow does not. He's too normal and doesn't understand my cynicism. I don't want to make him suffer, I guess.
So, I've decided to stop relying on game theory for now. I need to retreat and explore myself, my thoughts and feelings, let Boy go and do his own thing while I do my own. Poor fellow will hopefully understand that we can't become anything either. I will strive too, to avoid ambiguity. I will hold no secrets anymore.
In happier news, I purchased these beautiful shoes yesterday.:
|They remind me of Mr. Peanut.|