Wednesday, October 3, 2012

On Second Thought, I Change My Mind

It's true, I've been thinking about the same thing over and over again all week. I had made plans to meet with a very special friend, but because of internal tensions back home, I had to cancel on him. I didn't want to cancel or anything, but I also didn't want to upset the current still-unstable ceasefire at home. (That's a looooooooong story, but I won't divulge those details anytime soon, definitely not today.)

Oh sure, I apologized via text (we never really talk on the phone...who uses cell phones to talk anyway, right?) but received no response, which usually doesn't matter to me, you know, but I dunno why it bothered me this time around.
This is how bothered I my mind.

Yup, I was fretting about it, which is totally annoying; I don't like it when people feel sad about this sort of stuff, so imagine how angry I become at myself when I do this. I felt guilty about cancelling plans, I felt guilty about feeling sad, I felt angry for being sad, and I felt angry for feeling angry at being sad!!!!! It never ends with me, you know, once I start feeling "bad things" it just gets worse and worse and





Aaaaaaaaand, if you've read any of my posts relating to heart break, sadness, or any of that gushy love stuff, then you would know the worst of the worst possible feelings and thoughts that could appear in my poor poor mind and mess me up (emotionally) completely. Yup, I remembered those feelings of rejection from the former-love-of-my-love. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

It's gross, I know. So I spiraled down and down until I started listening to sad songs that made things even worse. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to do my hair. I didn't want to study. I didn't want to watch tv. I just wanted to stand, look off into space, and wallow in my cave of sadness.

But then...

God said, (this seems like the logical thing he would say, in my opinion), "Hey, that Euni girl has had a tough time lately. Maybe, maybe, I could bring in that beautiful Fall weather she loves so much a little sooner than expected?"

And that's what happened. The sky is once again that deep, neverending shade of pristine and true blue. A gentle cooling breeze playfully sways the trees around every so often. I hungrily breathe in the crisp air, fill up my lungs and sigh. I could seriously just sit outside all day long, alone, at peace. This natural beauty is briefly overwhelming, but truly something that keeps me going.

That little knot in my throat and heart, you know, that "heartachy" one, is still there, but I don't care anymore. There are so many beautiful and happy things out there that make me realize I shouldn't let feeling "bad things" get in my way.

No comments:

Post a Comment