You know, I don't even know where to begin with this. A few things have come up at the same time -- perfect timing, stupid things! -- and that weird, unwelcome, knotty feeling in my throat and heart have decided to pay me a visit for the holidays.
It's a jumble of things, a father who considers his daughters nothing more than financial burdens, a miserable focus on consumerism and materialism during the holidays, that phase of blind vulnerability when one is in love with another (but that other probably doesn't even deserve one's love to begin with and might not even be able to grasp the strength of this love in its entirety), and among other things, a realization that others look at love like they do a job search: that while one may be in a relationship, it's totally okay and acceptable to search elsewhere for better or more convenient "options."
I laugh at myself. Remember years past, when in Mexico, languishing and torturing myself, wondering what I could have been doing had I stayed home for Christmas. That "the grass is much greener" phrase pops into my head right now, things aren't better here than there. I miss tradition. I miss the focus on the real meaning.
Remembering the things I've gone through, the things I've survived, the terrible things I've done with terrible people. Confiding with others what I feel. Departing from life as I know it for a teeny moment each year.
But you know, it's okay! I needed to get this out in the open, but I REFUSE to let these things bog me down. I've lived worse things, and there will be a solution for the current situation. For now, I thank God my family is all together-together, that I still love and will not cease to love, that there is still so much more for me to go through.
Now, now! Let us be happy! Let's share a laugh, from my favorite version of "Sleigh Ride" (a sort of mini-tradition, now that I think about it...):
Happy Christmas, everyone!