Really, it's Friday? Yes, yes it is, and as I stand in this particular point in time, I cannot comprehend how this week has managed to both drudge and rush along. I've been sick, stricken by something-I-don't-know-what. Everyone around me has been ill, actually, but I'm just trying to brush it all off by saying it's just a cold. A very bad cold.
Anyway, I'm admitting the following today: whenever I'm sick, I always tend to pity myself too too much. Like, boohoohoo I'm sick, no one loves me, I feel terrible, my body hurts, I can't open my eyes all the way, I don't wanna take medicine, I can't swallow pills, blah blah blah...
And then, sometimes---if I'm sick for an extended period of time---I go into Self-Pity Hyperdrive: booo, I have a terrible relationship (if you can even call it that) with my father, I've fallen in love with the same worthless perennial student more than three times and every single time I know I'm not gonna like the ending, I don't have the job I want, I've given another dumb-butt a chance to win my heart but he doesn't take the hint so I'm giving up on that miserable human being, I didn't have the same opportunities as some other more fortunate kids, blah blah blah...
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| Self-Pity Hyperdrive. |
Yeah, it gets really bad when I start digging into that realm of dissatisfaction and failure. And now I've gotten to the point where I'm scolding myself for digging my own grave of sorts...(That little bit of imagery doesn't really work when I haven't really used it---I was thinking it, and this sentence probably doesn't make any sense.) The point is, I become angry at myself for being so pitiful. No! You will not feel self-pity. Pity is for the weak. The things that have happened in your life have happened---you can't do anything about them. You can however, Euni, move on and get better. Maybe instead of spiraling down a deep deep abyss of disappointment I could be finishing my applications for grad school, or searching for jobs, or learning Chinese, or going for a run, reading a book, jumping up and down...I dunno, I could totally be doing something---anything---and that something would be way more productive than my current sulking and bout of self-pity.
Is this something all twenty-somethings go through? I know a lot of us go through that period of identity crisis, you know, in which you're not sure if you made the right decisions with school and career and all that stuff; I've also observed that some people in this quarterlife age group seem so serene and calm about their lives, having fun, living freely and lightly. In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of the opposite, constantly worrying and overthinking things---all things. Maybe that's why I can't float---and hence, cannot swim. I should probably change that. And not just think about changing that.
Someone, anyone, may I please have a boost?
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