Wednesday, November 28, 2012

This Blog Needs MORE WHALES

And singing whales at that!

Hi everyone, I've been absent for a while, no big deal. Nothing too eventful has happened lately, though I did make really good progress this past weekend in trying new foods. I dunno if I've mentioned it or not, but I have a really hard time eating, and an even harder time eating with my friends. Not only am I a picky eater, but I am also a lazy eater. Most of the time I never finish my meal because I get "tired of chewing." It's bad, and as I've gotten older I've become more self-conscious of this "different" behavior. It's not an eating disorder or anything like that, I enjoy eating when I actually eat, and I don't have any body image issues (other than wishing I was a smidgen taller). But I worry that my behavior might seem "sickly" to others, to my friends and family.

Anyway, my friends had a [post]-Thanksgiving potluck thingy this past weekend, and I told myself I would try new foods. And I did make a sincere effort to eat the food provided. It's not too big of a deal, I guess; it's not like I finished everything on my plate, but I was proud of myself for trying.

It doesn't really matter, I guess, unless my progress and behavior hit a snag or something. Oh goodness, I hope this post didn't come off as being mentally ill or something.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Am I Learning?

I think I'm getting better at accepting the good things that have come my way lately. I can now officially say that I am in fact going to grad school in January 2013. I know, I'm still terrified out of my mind, and my feeling of terror reminded me of the mini panic attack I had in May, before I started the "summer of math" and all of the adventures I've had since then. However, the terror is made less, uhm, terrifying (forgive the unnecessary redundancy) by the fact that I am happy. I feel more confident too, confident in my intelligence and renewed hope.

There are a few minor differences this time around, regarding going back to school. The most important difference is I'm not afraid to admit that I don't know what I'm doing; I just know that I love Economics, I know what interests me in the field, and I'm just going to roll with whatever happens. Compare that to the start of my undergrad, boy was I crazy. 18-year-old Euni knew, just knew, that she was going to major in Marketing and get some fancy-schmancy job after graduation. HA. HA. HA. I do admire younger-me's passion though, and I feel like I'm regaining some of that passion and focusing it in a more positive way.

With regards to love, too, I've been struggling a bit more in accepting it for what it is. It's okay for me to love someone, and it's okay for that someone to love me back. I don't need to runaway or mask my fears with indifference. Like seriously, a really funny thing happened recently, in which God played a good-natured joke on me, just so I could realize that I didn't need to run away, but I'll relate that story another time.

Of course, being the overly cautious girl that I am, I can't say for sure that I've learned all that I needed to learn; there are still countless things for me to experience and learn from, and that is quite alright. Also, if I go through another rough patch, I'm okay with that, because I know things will always get better.

For this moment though, however brief or long it may be, I feel like my heart's in the sky, enjoying the warm sunshine in this cold weather...or like this song. Whichever image works best for y'all :)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

This is enough to...

...make me vomit. Life, I admit, has been going quite well for me right now, so my current emotional instability is making me more upset than usual.

I'll be perfectly fine, content, and full of hope and light one moment, and as if I had a switch or something, the next moment I just feel terrible. I know people love me, I know I love myself, I know God loves me, so it's perplexing to me that I feel this way.

I begin to remember the former-love-of-my-life. I don't love him anymore, I don't even miss our friendship, but something about my past interactions with him seriously messed me up.

I'm ready to embrace new love, I want to assert my affections out loud, but I know the moment I do, the former-love-of-my-life will find some way to wedge his big nose back into my recuperating life. He's done it in the past, made sure I wouldn't forget him.

That's not my fault; if anything, it just means that there's seriously something wrong with him, not me. Craving my attention in some sick twisted way.

I don't want to lose this time. I want to win. I want to break through everything that is holding me back.

I just hope my new love is willing to bear with me while I put myself back together.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Consolidating Lotsa Posts into One

Hi everyone! Allow me to share my usual reason/excuse for the scarce posts: I've been busy with school and work and other junk...right? Yup. But this time I'd like to add in that I was scrambling all over the place getting a few last things ready for my grad school application. And now I can finally say that everything's been turned in...and I wait, with almost-nauseous anxiety, to hear back from the university.

Anyway, rather than inundating your feeds with several new posts, I'm just gonna consolidate lotsa tiny posts into one...hence this post's title "Consolidating Lotsa Posts into One," just in case y'all couldn't make the connection, but I know y'all are very smart and awesome cookies and now I'm just rambling. Sorry. Also, I'm numbering my tiny posts with hopefully interesting mini-titles? We'll see, you can skip them if you don't think they'll be worth reading hahaha.

SUPER EDIT: I was supposed to post this LAST week, but this thing called life got in the way, in a good way though! Anyway, now I'm just briefly touching on the consolidated posts. I'm sorry I teased y'all with everything, but I'm gonna try to limit each tiny post to just a few sentences. I'm telling myself that I'll know what I'm talking about, if/when I look back on this post, but we'll see.

1. an old dear finance friend

I miss my old dear finance friend, like crazy, and I know why. I hope he's doing well in law school.

2. crazy cold efficiency mode

I adore this beautiful Fall weather (who doesn't!?), but because of the colder temperatures, my body is going into efficiency mode. Hello cold limbs.

3. lotsa

Deciding to consolidate "lotsa" posts into one brought along the memory of one of my favorite econ professors. She was awesome, super intelligent and eloquent, and she loved using the term "lotsa" when giving her lectures. I hope I can be like her when I grow up.

4. breathing

I never really gave breathing a second thought; it's an automatic and totally natural thing we all do, but when you feel someone else's breathing go along with yours, it's overwhelming. Time is measured by the flow of air, no longer mere numbers.

I PROMISE I'll share something unofficially official in the super near future, like maybe tonight or by tomorrow afternoon. I just have a few things to do to be certainly-sure that I'm not sharing a lie or whatever; if my unofficially official announcement is true-true, I'll be feeling even better than I have these past couple of days, especially regarding the point of taking all these calculus courses. WHATEVER, y'all will know soon enough! :)

P.S. How about those election results, hmmmm? More on that later!

P.P.S. What the hell, lemme just write the unofficially official news now: I've been admitted to the grad school program that I applied for. I'm totally excited, totally scared of what's next, and totally ready to get my hands dirty with Economics again. We can't full-on celebrate yet, I still have to talk with the advisor, move things around to ensure I can still work, go to yoga, and go to school without a snag, oh yeah, and to figure out if I'm getting any scholarships and financial aid........oh boy, I'm getting dizzy just thinking about all of this. But it's worth it! :D

P.P.P.S. One last thing: I'm catching up with my blog reading list, so don't think I've forgotten y'all!!! :)